One woman's journey and dawning realization of the slow destruction of her spirit while trapped in the jaws of disability.

Disability is at first an affliction of the body, then a state of mind and finally a shackle upon the spirit.

Lydia M N Crabtree, 2012

Friday, July 19, 2013

Chronic Illness and PTSD

It has taken me a long time to admit how closely my PTSD and my chronic illness are married.  It has taken another adult survivor of sexual abuse in my life after years of not having a friendship with anyone who could relate to really show me how closely they are related.

Tonight is such an excellent and normal example of how PTSD disrupts my health.

I am exhausted. I have spent the day helping out my dearest sword sister as she struggle through a rough time with some serious medical issues occurring in her birth family. I feed children. Helped with homework. Was read great Doctor Suesse books and a book all about modern day Princesses by a Princess.

This is on the heels of finally getting my family back to a two car family. We purchased a vehicle that fits all of my and Alice's (my service animal) needs. Now, as long as I am feeling well, I can take my boy where he needs to go and I can get myself to where I need to go. New cars are fun and good and stressful as hell to shop for and purchase.

Stress is something that your body cannot delineate. My body reacts to stress regardless of the type. I can tell my mind that the stress is a better type (buying a new car) than the stress of assualt and my body still reacts to stress in the same physical ways regardless.

Over the years you learn to screen movies for violent scene's against women, rape scene's and other types of programing that might trigger a PTSD episode. Then sometimes you are watching a program you like and you see a character strangling a "dead" body. It is in these moments when you try to sit through or distract yourself until the scene changes that the seeds of PTSD snake up like kudzu on steroids. Suddenly your own throat is choking and your own anxiety is spiking.

You know you are safe. Your body is telling you, "I am tired. Please go to sleep."

And nothing you do can reign in that building anxiety.

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