One woman's journey and dawning realization of the slow destruction of her spirit while trapped in the jaws of disability.

Disability is at first an affliction of the body, then a state of mind and finally a shackle upon the spirit.

Lydia M N Crabtree, 2012

Monday, January 30, 2012

Intuition that Causes Waiting

When you have a chronic illness, it is not all that uncommon to find that you spend a lot of time waiting. Waiting in doctor offices, waiting to get blood drawn, waiting to hear back about tests, waiting to get in to see a specialist, waiting to hear about your disability case.
Indigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

“I hate wait,” said Indigo Montoya, and I couldn’t agree more.

This week, I am waiting for some tests to be run and waiting to get an appointment with a specialist to have some tests interpreted.

The worst part of it is that I have learned that if the chronically ill set off an alarm every time there was an odd test result, well, the alarm would quit because it would be annoyed with itself. So I have learned to under share. I feel like my boy shouldn’t worry about a “maybe” scenario or be forced into the wait with me and Tony. We choose to wait and worry in silence.

Indigo, though, hated to wait not because the waiting itself was so much of a bother, but because he wanted to go, do and be on his mission once it was clear. That is how I feel. I have felt for several years that I knew the root cause of my physical illnesses. This week it is beginning to look like I was right all along.

So my question has become, “Why do we do that to ourselves?”

Why do we, especially us who practice and follow the old ways, ignore our intuition? Last week I finally spoke up and asked for a test that hadn’t been run. It hadn’t been run because the test is usually only run IF another test is positive and mine has always been negative. Luckily this doctor ran the second test and now I am off to a specialist to confirm the diagnosis. The most irritating thing is I suspected this diagnosis for YEARS. I didn’t want to rock the boat or get into an argument with a doctor; after all, I am not a doctor I just have a strange feeling that I knew what was wrong. So I have waited and suffered without a name for my suffering all this time. After doing some research today, I learned that the medication I take for my heart condition, screws up that first test that you need to test positive for. Heart medication I have taken for over 14 years. No wonder this condition was never discovered.

A while back someone asked me if I was a witch why didn’t I meditate myself well. I was highly annoyed at this proposition that my weak will contributed to my condition. Now, I have to say, it wasn’t meditation I should have been focused on, it was my inner voice, my connection to the Divine. I have told Tony and my sister Sarah that if I had a tangible fix on exactly what was wrong I could meditate, and I believe, significantly improve my physical condition. Without a name and an understanding of why something is the way it is, I am left floundering.

So this woman was right after all. I am a witch. Years ago I should have stood my ground like I did last week and today and demand that I get in to the right doctor to unravel this riddle.

Here’s my question for you – what are you waiting on? If you profess to have a connection with the Divine and you profess to be a person who actively pursues spiritual solutions to your problems, then what are you waiting on? What action have you continued to avoid despite your inner voices insistence? How many times a day or week do you dismiss yourself and how long are you willing to suffer while ignoring the things Divinity is telling you?

I don’t know about you but I am SICK to death of saying, “I KNEW I should have…..but I didn’t.”

That is worse than, “I hate wait.” Indigo had a plan. He didn’t want to wait because he was ready to take action.

“I KNEW I should have…..but I didn’t,” says I am willing to be stagnant and force myself to wait and suffer because I am too stubborn to listen to the voice inside of me that is Divinely Inspired.

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